my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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