I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
