I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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