This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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