So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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