Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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