Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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