And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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