If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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