We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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