I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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