My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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