My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
