It's Friday. Sex?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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