she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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