Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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