Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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