Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We left the knife in your bed.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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