apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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