at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
