my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
