Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize