She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
