I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
