if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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