Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
