As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
