I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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