remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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