Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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