what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
