Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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