i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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