u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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