happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
