All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
