Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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