You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
