No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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