Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
