Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
