I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
