He told me they were just razor bumps!
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
