My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
