I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
