All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
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I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
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I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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