Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
