Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I could fuck to npr.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
