Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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