It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
