my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
