i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
