i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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