I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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