Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
