Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
